Merry Christmas

It’s been a really good week. I had my hospital chemotherapy on Wednesday. That went well. Yesterday, the take-home chemo was disconnected. This round has had the least severe side effects of any so far. I thank God that the side effects have never been really bad.

I forgot to write about a praise from last week. While I was getting out of my vehicle on Saturday at IWU, I slipped on the ice. I was opening the rear driver’s side door when both feet slipped out from under me. I landed hard on my lower back and bottom. Of course, I felt immediate pain where I fell, but nothing was broken. I had no trouble getting up, which was good since no one was around to assist. For about an hour I felt some discomfort and then it slowly passed. After that initial discomfort, I was never in pain. None at all.  Praise God!

What is so special about this, is the fact that a broken bone could have significantly set back my chemotherapy treatments. Keeping the rest of the body healthy during chemo is very important. Colds, the flu and certainly broken bones need to be avoided in order to stay on schedule with chemo.  I praise God that I had no pain, no bruises and no negative impact from this fall. God has been so good throughout this journey.

We will be celebrating Christmas with Kerri and her family tomorrow. I’m sure it will be a wonderful day of celebrating the birth of our Savior.  This Christmas will be extra special for Joan and me because without the healing touch of the Lord…quite frankly, I wouldn't even be here.  Thank you again for all the love, prayers, cards, texts, emails, and phone calls.  I am humbled and blessed by all of them.  Merry Christmas to you all.

Valley Experiences

I spent some time last week with my IWU colleagues. What an uplifting time it was to be with so many people who have been praying for me during this journey. I appreciated the times when my colleagues asked if they could lay hands on me and pray right there in our meetings.

As part of time together with the DeVoe School of Business faculty, we had a team-building exercise in which we were asked to, “Share a time when you experienced God in a very special way”. In my group of about 10 faculty, without fail and without prompting, they shared stories (many with a great deal of emotion) of times when they went through very difficult times. In each case, it was in the lowest part of a valley experience that God was most special to them.

Isn’t that the way it is? When we are on top of the mountain we don’t rely on God as much as we do in the valley. Often times, when we are on the mountain top, we accumulate junk in our lives that distracts us. In the valley, we generally strip down to the bare essentials allowing ourselves more time for sweet communion with God that we so badly need. The hurriedness of life on the mountain top prevents us from having that time of sweet communion with the God of Peace. For each of us, the mountain top experience should be a time of preparation or training for the next valley experience.

Joan and I are not sitting around with nothing to do. We are still working our jobs, making time for family, medical appointments and the other activities that we did prior to my cancer diagnosis. The difference is priorities. Quiet time, alone with God, has become our top priority. In the past I used to fit quiet time around the rest of my life. Now, it begins the day.

How is your quiet time with God? I’m not talking about the shopping list of all the things we want God to do for us. I’m talking about being quiet in His presence, praising Him for who He is, worshipping Him and loving Him.

Make time today to be alone with Him. It will likely prove to be the best thing you do all day.

Good news

Praise the Lord! I got the results of my scans on Tuesday. The doctor started the conversation with a smile and said, “We have good news”. What a Christmas present for us to receive! In the nearly 10 weeks since the initial diagnosis, there has not been much good news from the medical community.

The chemo has reduced not only the number of active spots in the liver but has also decreased the size of many of them.  Some of the spots that were present two months ago, are completely GONE!  Additionally, the esophageal cancer appears to be significantly reduced. There has been no spread to any other parts of the body. Since the current treatment is working, the plan is to continue with the every other Wednesday chemotherapy treatments for another four months (six months total). Apparently six months of this dosage would be the maximum amount of chemo my body could handle. We are rejoicing that progress is being made at killing the cancer. We praise God for His faithfulness to us.

The doctor says that my overall health, my laboratory studies, and the fact that I am gaining/maintaining weight are all signs that we are winning this fight with cancer.

Tuesday night, we did something that we have been putting off since the diagnosis. We made some travel plans. We had to schedule around chemo, but now that we have a schedule for the next few months, we felt it was time to leave the frigid North and head to Fort Myers in January. Fort Myers is where we had planned to spend the entire winter. We look forward to revisiting the area, being warm and meeting up with Tom and Donna.

We regularly praise God for the many kind folks who are lifting us up in prayer. Thank you for your faithfulness. Your prayers are making a difference. Please continue to pray for me as I continue to battle cancer with the Lord’s help.

More lessons from cancer:

Cancer reminds me of the depravity of this world. This world is not my home. I am not of this world. My commentary on the Gospel of John (Burge) says that when Jesus wept at Lazarus' tomb it was because of the brokenness of creation. God never wanted it to be this way. God desired men and women to exist in right relationship with Him in peace, harmony, health and prosperity (shalom).  When Jesus saw the hurt, pain and hopelessness of humanity, He wept.

Cancer is a continual reminder to me that this is a broken world and not the place I was created to live in. He has a better place for me, and while I am in no hurry to see it, the hope of that place is inspiring.

Tomorrow I have CT scans scheduled around 3:00 PM.  We will meet with the oncologist on Tuesday, 12/13, for the results of the scans and to discuss further treatment options. Some of our good friends came over tonight to pray for good news on the scans and, ultimately, for my complete healing.

We are grateful for all of those who are praying for us. We have never even met many of you. How awesome is that?  Thank you for your faithfulness. No one successfully battles cancer alone.

“Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.”  Hebrews 12:1-2 (NIV)

This is an interesting time for us. Tomorrow, I will undergo my fifth round of chemo. Two days later, on Friday, immediately after my chemo pump is disconnected, I head back to Parkview for CT scans to determine if the chemo is doing what it's supposed to do, i.e., kill the cancer.   The oncologist explained that there is no point in subjecting me to chemo if it is not doing any good.  I probably won’t know the results of the scans before next Tuesday, 12/13/16.  

For the past eight weeks we have only had to focus on getting the chemotherapy and dealing with the side effects. Now, we are facing the unknown. We are trusting God for a good report.

In many ways, I feel like I am better than I was just prior to the cancer diagnosis. I am eating more. I have more energy. I have gained back some of the 20 pounds I lost. I feel like the chemo is working.

We are praying and believing for more than just the good news that the chemo has kept the cancer from spreading or that the cancer has shown some remission. We are believing God for a miracle – that the cancer is gone. We are grateful for all of those praying and believing with us. Nearly every single day, I learn of someone else who is praying for me.  Just today for example, I received a beautiful card signed by 11 different people from a dentist’s office in Baxter, Tennessee.  Our good friends, Maggie and Danny specifically asked their dentist and staff to keep me in their prayers.  It's just so amazing to me that people I have never even met, are spending time in prayer for me.  The fact that they would each write out a few encouraging words and send a card, just blows my mind! Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all the prayers, encouraging words, cards, texts, phone calls, etc.  It means more to us than you will ever know.  Through all of this, I want to be proven trustworthy with this...the most personal and gloriously painful journey God has ever entrusted to me.

Cancer reminds me of sin

When I posted the Lessons from Cutting Down the Annual Christmas Tree, I thought I would also compile a list of things I have learned from cancer. Here is the first installment:  

I hate cancer. It destroys. It kills. As long as it remains alive and active in our bodies, it controls us. We cannot control it. In and of itself, there is nothing good about cancer (The cancer journey, however can change us for the better, which I will discuss in a future blog post.) 

Cancer reminds me of sin. I hate it and I want it out of my body. Sin consumes and leaves us for dead, much like an untreated cancer. The idea of allowing a cancer to grow untreated seems insane to me. Untreated (unconfessed/unforgiven) sin produces similar thoughts. 

How do you feel about sin? Do you see it as a cancer that destroys or as a toy to be played with? Sin, like cancer, does not care how you view it. It destroys regardless of whether you hate it or play with it.

Cancer also reminds me of the value of living a holy, sanctified life.

I had a good week. On my week that does not include getting chemo, I eat better and I catch up on work and relationships. 

As we are approaching the scans on December 9, many of our praying supporters have been letting us know they are confident of a good report. We are believing that as well. We are so grateful for those that have signed up to pray around the clock for us. You are awesome! We pray God richly blesses you for your faithfulness in praying and supporting us. 

We are seeing family and friends drawing closer to God through this journey of ours. Please pray for our family and friends who need to move closer to Christ.

Lessons from Cutting Down the Annual Christmas Tree

It’s hard to believe that is has been six years since I wrote this as my wife, Joan, decorated our Christmas tree.  As she decorated I began getting sentimental and philosophical at the same time.  I hope you enjoy my lessons:

My daughter, Kerri, and I had a tradition of cutting down the annual Christmas tree. As I fondly thought about it, I decided that the annual trek to the Christmas tree farm had lessons that we could all learn from.

1.      Don’t settle for the first good-looking tree. Kerri was always eager to get the tree selection done quickly in order to get home and start the decorating, not realizing that the secret to a great Christmas tree begins with the selection. A well-decorated Charlie Brown tree is still a Charlie Brown tree. Short-cutting the selection process gets people in trouble their whole life. Selecting the first guy that shows a girl a little attention is a sure-fire way to end in divorce court. A management textbook calls it “satisficing” – selecting the first solution that meets the minimum criteria instead of going for the best. Take your time and wait for the best.

2.      A big tree in the outdoors is a gargantuan tree in one’s living room. I was guilty of this more times than I’d like to admit. The tree needs to be selected in reference to the size of the room it is going in – not the room in which it currently sits. Reference is everything. Compared to Bill Gates, I’m a pauper. Compared to most of the people in the world, I’m Bill Gates. Never lose perspective.

3.      It is cold, windy (sometimes raining) and generally miserable cutting down a tree, but it is worth it. Christmas tree cutting is a wintertime activity and winter in Indiana can be miserable. Rarely has it been a nice day when we cut down a tree.  But when the time came for the next tree cutting, I forgot the miserable weather we endured the prior year, eager again to beat the elements in the quest for the ideal Christmas tree. Anything and everything in life worth having is a struggle to achieve. The easy-to-obtain things in life and the mundane are easily forgotten.

4.      The simple things in life are usually the most memorable. This seems contradictory to the last lesson, doesn’t it? Not really. Simple and easy are different. When you think about the act of going to a Christmas tree farm and cutting down a tree, it is a pretty simple task and yet for us it brings back the best of memories. This is different than standing in line for hours for the “must have gift”. It’s not complicated, nor hard to plan. It is just the simple act of spending time with a child and creating a Christmas tradition that lives on in our memories. 

5.      Don’t forget the saw. Failing to plan is planning to fail. Simple does not mean it requires no forethought. A few minutes of planning saves the long trip back to get the saw.

6.      Natural trees aren’t perfect and perfect trees aren’t real. Natural trees smell good and look good, but they do not look perfect. If you want perfection you want artificial. That’s the way it is with people. The prefect people you see on the screen aren’t real and the real people in your life aren’t perfect.

Bill Burton, Ph.D.

Christmas, 2010

Wednesday was another day of chemo. The week before this last round of chemo was the best since my treatments began. I gained 4 pounds in the prior two weeks, which is something I needed to do. After chemo on Wednesday, we went to Kerri’s for two nights and celebrated Thanksgiving with her family. We had a great time with our little family including our son-in-law’s parents. Madeleine, our granddaughter, kept us entertained the entire time.

Thanksgiving was different this year. I was attached to a pump infusing me with chemo. In spite of my circumstances, I felt so grateful. I thank God for His continual presence which has been so pronounced and special these past seven weeks. I’m grateful for the many family members, friends, and people we have never met who have faithfully lifted us up in prayer. We feel so fortunate to be part of this awesome family of God.

We went out to eat last night and ran into a former co-worker of mine from GM. What a blessing it was to share just a little bit with Harry and Margaret Jones and have them tell us that we are in their prayers. God has been so faithful to regularly put people in our paths to encourage us.

I want to thank you who are reading this blog regularly for your words of encouragement. I am praying that God reveals more of himself to you during my battle with cancer.

The much anticipated scans have been scheduled for Friday 12/9. This is a bit later that we had originally been told. I will get another treatment on 12/7 before the scans. The outcome of the scans will determine if the chemo will continue. In many ways I feel as though the chemo is working. We are praying that the scans prove that the cancer is being destroyed.

Thank you again for your faithfulness in praying for us.

The larger our problems look, the smaller our God will appear.

“The larger our problems look, the smaller our God will appear.”

In February, 2014 I made the statement above in a message on the Children of Israel’s first attempt at entering Canaan. Ten spies confirmed that just as God had said, the Promised Land did flow with milk and honey, but those spies also said the land was filled with giants. Joshua and Caleb confirmed that what the others said was true, but they predicted that God would be with them and the Israelites would overcome the giants (Numbers 13).

Ten spies focused on the size of the problem. Two focused on God.

This difference in perspective is significant in our ability to trust God. I regularly find my thoughts drifting toward the uncertainty of my future.  I sometimes struggle with questions like, “What happens if I get bad news in December regarding the spread of this cancer?”  There are so many difficult questions and there are no good answers.

When I find that I am being overwhelmed by these doubts and fears, I am reminded that I am focusing on my problems and not on God. The more attention I give to this cancer and all of the uncertainty associated with it, the larger the cancer becomes. When I shift my focus to the awesomeness of God, the doubts and fear leave.

As I begin to focus on God, I meditate on the words of Isaiah 6: 1-4

I saw the Lord, high and exalted, seated on a throne; and the train of his robe filled the temple. 2 Above him were seraphim, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. 3 And they were calling to one another: “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory.”4 At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.

I think about the words in Isaiah 40:12:

Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?  Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance?

I think about the creation story in Genesis 2 and I imagine God scooping up a handful of dirt while making Adam and breathing life into him.

And then I begin to worship God. The more I focus my attention on Him and His power and His love and the many ways in which He has blessed me in the past, the fears and doubts leave. My God becomes larger and larger in my sight and my problems shrink away.

Where is your focus today? Are you focused on how big your problems are or how big God is?

Peace

As I was praying yesterday, an overwhelming sense of peace surrounded me. As I began to contemplate this, my thoughts turned toward the story of the disciples in the boat with Jesus when the storm arose. In the storms of life, we want the rain to stop. We want the wind and the lightning to cease. What we really want is security. We desire an absence of problems and issues. We want a carefree, stress free life. We want what we think is peace.

The truth of the matter is, this broken world in which we live does not have perpetual security and calm. Anytime we are without struggles, we are merely enjoying the calm before the next storm of life’s issues. There is no real security outside of being secure in Christ.

As I considered the peace I was experiencing in my prayer time, I realized that peace does not ignore the fact that it is raining, the wind is blowing or that eventually, the storm may, in fact, sink our boat. Peace is knowing that despite the reality of the storm there is a greater reality in the One who can calm the storm. Peace is the tranquility to stand in the storm and know without question, that everything will be alright. Peace is not found in the calm. Peace is knowing that Jesus is in the boat with me while the rain falls and the winds blow and still being content that He is in control. Real peace is attainable only in Christ. There is no security outside of Him. None.  Period.

It’s been over a week now since my chemo. I had a great day today and am looking forward to even better days this weekend.

Prayer Part 2

It was good to attend Life Community Church today and visit with so many who have supported us in our journey.  What a privilege it was to sing and praise our Lord in worship!  It’s been 5 days since my third round of chemo began. I was tired most of the day today and slept a lot, but I can feel the effects of chemo wearing off. Tomorrow I should start feeling more normal.

Thank you for continuing to lift us up in prayer. We regularly thank God for you and ask Him to bless you for your love and support. You have no idea how much we appreciate all the kind words, encouragement and prayers.

Some have asked how they could pray for us:
1. Pray that the side effects of chemo will be kept to a minimum, allowing me to eat adequately enough that I don't lose more weight.
2. Pray that the chemo destroys the cancer throughout my body.
3. Pray for improved body scans in early December which will be influential in deciding whether or not we go forward with additional treatment.
4. Pray for complete healing and for God to give me a long life so that I can be a witness to others.
5. Pray that we grow in our faith through this experience and learn how to minister to others who are impacted by cancer.
6. Pray for Joan, my best friend, my nurse and care-giver, to receive the support she needs to remain strong throughout this journey.

Prayer Part 1

Until now, all of my prayer requests have been short term, such as “pray for a successful surgery next week”. I have never been is a situation such as this where I am asking people to continually pray for me for months at a time.  I have prayed for people for years, in some cases, but now I am seeing prayer from a different perspective.

Last week, I received a simple email that said, “Still praying, Bill.” The impact that this had on me was overwhelming. Today a simple email came that said, “I continue to pray for you and your family”. These are just two of the many such emails, texts, phone calls, cards and conversations that I have had in which people were assuring me that they were continuing to pray for us. The constant reminders that we are being prayed for is so encouraging and uplifting. At times, they come in moments of doubt and discouragement such as when the side effects from chemotherapy are getting me down.

These subtle, yet constant reminders are something that, unfortunately I did not do for people I prayed for. I’m not sure why I did not remind people that I was praying for them. That will never happen in the future. I now see that “Bearing one another’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2) includes constant reminders that I am praying.

I feel good

This past week was awesome. Each day I felt a little better than the day before. On Sunday, I was singing James Brown’s, I feel good. Tomorrow is Wednesday and I begin another round of chemo. My prayer request is that the chemo’s side effects are kept to a minimum, especially the upset stomach.

Later this week I will be writing on prayer. I haven’t asked for prayer many times in my life. I want to share with you my new perspective on prayer.

We continue to thank God for all of our faithful prayer partners. Thank you for your commitment to pray for us.

As I have had a lot of time to reflect on things since my diagnosis, one thing has become clear to me. God has been preparing me for this current journey for some time. In July 2015 (about the time the oncologist said I probably contracted cancer) I spoke at Life Community Church on the story of Lazarus found in John 11. That particular message was one that I worked on for about 3 months off and on. At the time I gave the message, I encouraged people to take notes and I quote from my notes: “because this is one of those message for the body of Christ that we need to refer to every now and then. If you are going through a difficult situation, this message is for you. If you are not going through a difficult time, well, as we all know, you will”.

Little did I realize that this message was also for me.

The major points are below:

God always knows what is going on.

We are surprised when we lose our jobs or get a diagnosis of cancer, but God is never surprised.

God always has a plan.

Because He is not surprised, God has figured out how to use these tragedies in our lives for His purpose.

God’s plans always encompass reality.

Our plans never include losing our jobs or getting cancer (reality).  Our plans are based on everything always going perfect, which is not reality. God’s plans include the tragedies that happen as part of living in this messed up world.

God’s plan always encompasses eternity.

Our plans seldom encompass eternity, but that is always God’s main objective.

We don’t die.  We don’t ever die.

When it’s all over, it’s not really over. We just relocate to a better place.

We seldom comprehend God’s plan.

Because we only see what is in front of us, we seldom comprehend what God is trying to accomplish with His plan.

God seldom performs the way we want Him to.

We know God does not perform for us, but we sometimes act as if we think He should. He will never perform for us.

We can take comfort in these words, “I am the resurrection and the life, whoever lives by believing in me will never die” (John 11:25).

For those of us who are Christ followers, He is there at the end of this life opening the door to a better, eternal life.

I have reread these words many times in the past few weeks and I wouldn’t change a word. I believed it then and I believe it today.

Incurable

I will never forget the feeling the word, “incurable” had on me when the oncologist told me that I had a form of cancer that was incurable. At 64 years of age, I was declared incurable. It felt like a judge had sentenced me to death.

Yesterday, I listened to Tim Timmons on a YouTube video (  https://youtu.be/PSJZoEoVPy4. )
where he stated that he was diagnosed with incurable cancer 12 years ago. My first thought was, 12 years sounds pretty good.  My second thought was, we are all suffering  from an incurable disease. It’s called “life” in this sick, broken world. We are all going to die. We all know that, but we seldom live that way.

I know since the diagnosis, my days feel more scarce and yet I don’t really feel like death is imminent. I believe God is healing me. I believe that I am victorious over this, but the incurable nature of this prognosis, has me thinking differently than ever before.

In many ways it’s a good thing to believe that I am incurable. It makes me consider my priorities. It makes me consider how to spend my time, how to speak to others, what my legacy will be, etc. These are things we should all be concerned with, every day, no matter how long we think we have to live. And yet there’s just something about that word, “incurable”.

I spend more time in contemplation. It’s a mixture of praise to God, prayer for whatever and whoever comes to mind and a time of meditation and reflection. I am close to God and oh so grateful that this is not just a reaction to cancer.

I desire to be with friends and family more than I used to. As an introvert, family and friend times tend to be energy-draining and yet, now I find myself more outgoing than ever.

I’ve heard of Christ followers who, when they are at a restaurant will ask their wait person if there is a need that they could pray for. I’ve thought many times that this is what we are called to do. Why did I wait until the incurable label was placed on me to try it? It was great when we did it recently at Cracker Barrel.

Francis Chan asks us to consider in what area of our lives are we walking by faith. Many of our brothers and sisters in Christ in other countries must trust God for every aspect of their existence. In America, most Christians aren’t nearly as dependent on God. But I am, now. I don’t have a future on this earth without God showing up and that changes everything. Now that I must depend on Him for life, depending on Him for everything else is easier. Potentially making a fool of myself for Jesus by talking to a waitress about my faith is easier. I truly felt that I had nothing to lose (being attached to a tube running to a bag pumping chemo into my body helped keep my pride in check, too) and what difference did it make anyway. Nothing that could have happened in that restaurant could have turned out worse than being told I was incurable.

It’s kind of like Mark Twain said, “Eat a live frog every morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.” Sharing my faith became so much easier once I realized I’m dying.  I mean, what else can happen to me worse than that?

I pray that many years from now, I will never forget the incurable nature of life and the sense of priority-setting it has had on me.

Yesterday was the beginning of my second chemo treatment. The days leading up it were the best I have had in a while. We have settled into our winter home, which makes dealing with the chemo easier.

During the chemo treatment at the hospital I felt fine. After we left the hospital, I began to feel the effects of the steroids making me jittery. By bedtime I was beginning to feel tired and my stomach was upset. I woke in the middle of the night feeling very nauseous. I took a pill and sat in the bathroom praying. Five minutes later I felt better and went back to bed.

Today has been good so far. I’m a bit sluggish, but my stomach has felt better. I’m attached to a chemo pump until tomorrow afternoon at 1:30.

Life is starting to take on a routine, which we really needed. Since my diagnosis on 9/30, we have lived in our old home, a hotel, Kerri’s house and now the Miller’s. We still are not completely settled in, but we are getting close.

God and His people continue to remain faithful. We are so blessed.

Yesterday we left Kerri’s house and moved into our “winter home” in Fort Wayne. What a lovely home we have to live in. Thank you Dave and Darlene and thank you Jesus for providing a such a nice place so close to Parkview.

It will take a few days to get settled in, but at least we don’t have to move any more or live out of a suitcase. When I think back to how quickly God (and The Millers) took care of our housing need,  I am amazed. We did not even have time to pray about it. There were so many other things going on and the Millers offered so quickly, we just did not have time to ask God to supply this most basic need of ours. We would have been happy with anything that was available, but we actually have a nicer home to live in this winter than the house we sold. God is so faithful.

We went to church today with Dave and Darlene. The pastor spoke about waiting on God. How timely. Our faith is strong. Our God is almighty. We are in good hands.

It was good to laugh

Yesterday and today have been more difficult as the side effects of chemo impacted me. I felt very tired and my stomach has been upset. God has blessed me with a job that is flexible enough that I can work around the bad days. I talked to several old GM friends today. It was good to laugh.

Blood transfusion

I spent most of the day at Parkview getting blood. I slept quite a bit of the time while the blood was going in and on the way to Kerri’s and then again once we got to Kerri’s. My stomach feels better and I’m starting to feel more normal again. Tomorrow we don’t have to get up to any alarms and nothing has to be done, but rest.  Thank you, Jesus, for the ability to rest in you.

We attended Life Community Church in Fort Wayne today. We were loved on and supported by so many of our brothers and sisters in Christ. It was a really uplifting experience. We were called to the front of the church to be prayed for. We believe in prayer and we thank the pastors at Life for taking time out of the service to pray for us.

After church we went to the Millers (our winter home) so that I could have the Home Health Nurse remove my chemo pump. A nice lunch was provided as well.

I did not feel quite as well  today. My stomach was a bit upset starting right after breakfast (not too bad, though) and I got really tired in the afternoon. The tiredness could be chemo related or just because we had to get up so early today.

We missed traveling to Baltimore this week, due to the cancer. We missed spending time with family that we have not seen in quite a while. Tomorrow we were scheduled to leave Baltimore for Florida. I see us definitely spending next winter in Florida.

Tomorrow is another early morning as I have to have some blood drawn, possibly followed by a blood transfusion. The transfusion may help with being tired. Hopefully, after tomorrow we get over a week off from trips to Parkview.

Yesterday was my first day of chemo. All things considered, it was a very good day.

The good: The accommodations were great. I sat in a massage recliner with heat. They had a nice, full lunch prepared. The staff were very attentive and professional. We had a scheduling issue that had to be worked out for the take home chemo that I have and Tracy, the nurse who worked on that for hours kept us informed as to how she was doing and she eventually got it resolved. Also the internet access is awesome. I listened to Pandora (Vertical Church Band Radio) most of the day.. The people at Parkview have made this as pleasant an experience as possible.

The not so good: We left Kerri's house at 6:30AM and returned at 8:00PM. What a day! The treatments took about 5 hours. Training on the take home chemo took a while and then we had to meet a Home Health Nurse in the home of the people who have let us have their home for the winter. It was a very long day.

The really good: Other than feeling tired, and maybe that’s just from the long day we had, I have had no side effects from the chemo. None. Praise God. We asked for no side effects and we have no side effects. Thank you, Jesus.

For the first 46 hours after my chemo ends, I have a take home bag of chemo with a pump that is attached to me with 4-feet of tubing. Shortly after the chemo runs out a Home Health Nurse will disconnect the tubing and take the pump away.

Monday, I have to have some lab work done and will probably need to have a transfusion. My hemoglobin count has been dropping and the iron tablets alone have not halted the drop. Chemo should stop the bleeding that is causing the hemoglobin drop.

Again, I want to thank everyone for their emails, Facebook messages, text messages, phone calls, visits and cards to both Joan and I. Until one goes through something like this, it’s hard to imagine just how much it helps knowing that others are praying and offering assistance.

We are trusting God throughout this ordeal and continue to see His hand at work even in the smallest of details.

Thank God for encouragers

God has sent several Godly men into my path over the past few days. I thank God for their faithfulness in encouraging me during this difficult time in my life.

Tomorrow (Friday) is my first chemo treatment. I pray that I am able to tolerate the dosage of chemo  the doctor deems necessary and that the chemo stops the cancer.

How are we doing?

If I were following this blog, and I’m grateful that many of you are, I would be wondering how we are doing emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

The emotions are on overdrive. Generally, I think we are doing well emotionally, until we start talking about it. It’s so hard to accept this as our new normal. Joan says it feels like a bad dream that we must, somehow, wake out of.  I’m a mess of emotions when I try to talk about any of this and I hate it.

Mentally and spiritually I think we are right where we should be. We know that there is a good chance that my life will end much sooner than either of us had ever imagined. We also know that God, not the doctor, is in charge. We are trusting God to be Who He is – our Heavenly Father. He may heal me. He may not. In either case He will never leave me.

Trusting God. What does that look like? I have heard people (erroneously I believe) state that if we have enough faith then God will do whatever we ask. Of course, if the prayer is not answered then it is because the requester did not have enough faith.

It occurred to me recently as I was considering what it means to have trust in God, that my trust is not that He will produce a desired outcome, but my trust is that He will take care of me. I hope and pray that He sees fit to heal me, soon. But fortunately our hope in God extends far beyond this life. As Paul said, in 1 Corinthians 15:19, “If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are of all people most to be pitied.” Paul’s life was filed with difficulties, but his hope was in eternity.

Because of this hope in eternal life, we can discuss plans to leave this life with a great deal of peace, knowing that for the Christian, things will turn out for our best.

Don’t get me wrong, I will fight with all that is in me to prolong my life. I want to live. I want to see my grandchildren graduate from high school and college and get married and give us great grandchildren, etc. I want to share the gospel of Christ with more people. I want to expand the kingdom of God. Despite what I want for my life, I submit to His will for my life, whatever that looks like.

I thank God for the peace and comfort He has given us during this time. I also regularly thank God for you that are lifting us up. Your prayers for us are truly felt.

We had a really good day. Nobody said anything bad to us. No bad news is a good day. Our Heavenly Father was good enough to send us some encouragement as well. Two different people told us unsolicited stories of relatives who were told they had short times to live and were alive years later. One had survived for 4 years and one case that was identical to mine has been alive for 7 years and is still living. Seven years seems like an eternity right now.

Today I had the chemo port put in. My chemo begins this Friday. Between now and Friday I am free to do my job, catch up with friends and family and maybe get enough sleep.

My chemo treatments will be every two weeks. I will go home with a pump that will continue to put medicine in my port for two days. Then I need to return to Parkview to have the pump removed and the port cleaned out to prevent infection.

Spent the past two days with Kerri, Seth and Madeleine. We went to church today and then to the pumpkin patch. Thank you Lord for some beautiful days with family.

Another bad day.

Well, the good news first. We are officially homeless. The settlement is complete and that part of our lives is over.

The bad news is that the esophageal cancer has spread to the liver making it incurable. No surgery, and no radiation are planned. The only plan is life-extending chemotherapy. I agreed to participate in a clinical trial in which I have a randomized 50/50 chance of getting a trial drug in addition to the chemo.

We are still trying to process this all. Without treatment I was only given 2-3 months to live. With chemo, the average life expectancy is 1 year. One year, that actually sounded like a long time after I heard 2-3 months. The oncologist, whom we both really liked, said I have many things going in my favor such as my age, my overall health, the fact that right now I am not having any symptoms, etc.

I am scheduled to have a port placed on Monday for the chemotherapy. I will get a treatment every other week, with a pump to take home for two days which will continue to pump chemo into me. The expectation is 4-5 days after chemo I will not feel well and then I will likely have some good days until we start the cycle over again. In two months, I will have repeat CT scans to check the effectiveness of the chemo.

My faith in my Heavenly Father has never been stronger. I know He is in charge regardless of the outcome.

We visited tonight with the wonderful, Godly couple that have offered us their home this winter while they are in Arizona. It’s close to where I’ll be getting my chemo. God and His people are so good. At least our living arrangements are provided for in a tangible way. God bless you, Dave and Darlene.

I had a really good day. First, I did not have any medical appointments. Second, I got to eat real food. We went to Bob Evans for lunch where I had an egg over sausage, biscuits and gravy. Then for dinner we went to Cracker Barrel where I had meatloaf. Then, we met friends after dinner at DeBrands for desert. God’s people have been so supportive.

We (Joan, mostly) cleaned up the last bit at the house. We did our part of the closing today to allow us all afternoon tomorrow for medical appointments. Tomorrow is a big day, as we learn the extent of the cancer and what the treatment plan will be. Regardless of tomorrow’s news, God has this under control.

PET Scan

I slept a little better last night. I awoke to an alarm for the PET scan. After the PET scan it was back to the house. Seth brought his parents with him to help. What a blessing Rose and Bill were. Bev came by too. We needed all of that help to finally get down to where we can handle the rest  tomorrow.

We moved out and into a hotel for a few days. I got to eat some cream of chicken soup with crackers. It tasted so good. It was just a can of Campbell’s but it tasted great. Tomorrow I get to try more soft food.

I'm not in control of anything. No one asks what day or time works best for me when making appointments. I have nothing scheduled in my life that matters much anymore, anyway. Elections, football and news have lost their importance. God, health, family and friends take up all the time I have.

We got to sleep in today, sort of. I had a rough night. The stent is bothering me somewhat. I have had headaches off and on since I woke up from the anesthesia. Tylenol helps some. I’m still on liquids today, but I can have puddings, Jello and ice cream. I’m supposed to be on a high protein diet today for tomorrow's PET scan, so I get Ensure High Protein instead of the steak I want.

People came by to pick things up. Pastor Steve blessed us by taking stuff that just needed to be taken and disposed of. We prayed in the driveway. Thanks, Steve.

There is still so much to do in order to get out of this house. I’m not much help right now. I did call all of the utilities today to close out our accounts.

We met with the Nurse Practitioner, Oncology Navigator and Nutritionist today. Nothing really new was learned. The Nutritionist wants me to eat at least 2000 calories per day to keep my weight up. No one has ever told me to do that before. As Bill Murray said in Caddie Shack, “I’ve got that going for me.”

Son-in-law Seth came by to help with moving things into storage. What a big help he was. We still have a lot to do, but we made a lot of progress today. More help is coming tomorrow.

Several cancer survivors have connected with me to share their stories of victory of this awful disease. It really is comforting to hear the success stories that are out there. I’m still processing all of this, but this much I am sure of: I never tire of people emailing their support, love and prayers.

Esophageal Stent Installed

Today was a big day. The alarm went off at 6:30. We needed to be ready to go to the hospital. Dr. Sharma said he would do an ultrasound to determine the state of the cancer and install a stent in the esophagus to allow food to pass more easily. We were up, showered and dressed and waiting. I’m not allowed any food or drink since last night.

We got a call about 9:00 a.m. informing us to be at the hospital at 1:15. We waited and prayed. More emails came in to Joan and me with an outpouring of support. It was overwhelming. A brother-in-law called to pray over the phone with us. Thanks Bob.

My co-workers were just informed today of my situation. We are geographically spread out, but thank God we are coming together in prayer. It’s awesome to work at a place with fellow believers.

Pastors Duane and Steve came by to pray with us before we left for Parkview. Pastor Steve read from Isaiah 41:13 “For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” What inspiring words!

I was being wheeled on a hospital bed from the prep area to the hospital surgery area. It's a long way through many hallways. There was a short area where there were some windows to the outside. I really wanted to see outside. I was able to see the sky briefly. I asked for a sign – something to let me know He was there, I just wanted some assurance that He had this. I didn't get a sign. I got a word instead. I was looking for something in the sky, instead this ran through my head, “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” It’s from Hebrews 13:5 (KJV). That’s all I needed, no signs were required. I was fine after that. God is so good.

We know a bit more now, but we still do not have the whole picture. I had a stent inserted. It is a wire mesh device that opens up the esophagus so I can swallow food more easily. Dr. Sharma said that it appears that the cancer has spread to the liver. He is certain that we will start with chemo soon. We meet with the navigator and the nutritionist tomorrow (Tuesday). I am scheduled for a PET scan on Wednesday morning, again looking for any additional spread of the cancer.  We meet with one or maybe two oncologists on Friday.

When I was waking up from the anesthesia, I was in a lot of pain and discomfort. The pain left as soon as the anesthesia wore off.  The discomfort in my throat left after I drank a numbing solution. Liquids are all I get the rest of today. I get more substantial liquids for the next two days and then I finally get some soft foods after that.

As Dr. Sharma shared the news with Joan, he said something to the effect, “anyone who knows me, knows I'm not arrogant, but I'm just so glad that I'm Bill’s doctor…that I get to take care of him…this  is what I do.”  Joan shared with him that we both have a great deal of faith.  Dr. Sharma looked right at her and said, “Then it must have been the Lord who wanted me to be the one to take care of him.” Prayer works. God hears and He cares.

Before I start this, I want to make sure I state that any enlightenment that I may have in this subject is mostly just several days old.

Joan and I had a plan. We decided to downsize and live the next few years in our motorhome. It requires a great deal of downsizing to live in a 32 feet long by 10 feet wide motorhome, so we got rid of a lot including giving away all of our furniture. We thought we had this downsizing all figured out.

And then the cancer diagnosis hit. It’s amazing how little value Joan and I placed on things once cancer came into the picture. Even mementos lost their importance. At the same time, in my regular Bible studying, I read this: 2 Peter 3:10 “But the day of the Lord will come like a thief. The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything done in it will be laid bare.”

We (ok, maybe it was just me) forget sometimes that everything gets burned up in the end. All of the stuff that was so important burns up. All of the purchases that I labored over get burned up. My home, my vehicles and everything that I just had to have gets destroyed in the end.

This is not news to me, but I understand it better now. The things that matter most aren’t things. God, people and health matter, but things not so much. Dear God, please don’t let me forget this valuable lesson.

I got a good night’s sleep last night for a change. We did not have to set any alarms. I woke up feeling better than I had felt in a while. That’s a good thing because today Kerri and Seth (daughter and son-in-law) came over to help us pack. I still got tired easily, but I had so much energy. Thank God for energy.

 I cut grass for the last time at our house. This is one thing I will miss about leaving the house. That’s not a typo. Whenever I was on the John Deere with my headphones listening to my tunes, all was right with the world. Today, Andre Crouch reminded me that “Through it All” he had learned to trust in Jesus. That’s been my theme song the rest of the day – through it all.

What a blessing Kerri and Seth were to us today. I know they went home tired. I thank God for them and their willingness to help during our time of need.

I had a really good day today. Thank you Jesus. I was able to do a lot. Keeping busy is good.

Joan’s sister, Amy, set up a Prayer Vigil for me. People that I don’t even know who are connected to people I don’t know have signed up. God is so good and so are His people. I am inspired and humbled by the continual outpouring of love and support.  I know our Heavenly Father is pleased when we come together in love.

In John 13:35, Jesus said, “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” You are showing the world whose disciples you are. Thanks to each of you who are loving us with your prayers, support, physical labor, etc.

Some dear friends have offered us their house for the winter while they live in Arizona. Can you believe that? We may need a house for the next few months and God’s people have provided one very close to Parkview Medical Center. Thank you Dave and Darlene.

Our friends Don and Carolyn who own Cold Stone Creamery blessed me with a half-gallon of my favorite ice cream flavor. The cancer makes it hard for me to swallow, but ice cream goes right through. Thanks Don and Carolyn.

Tomorrow (Monday) is a big day. Hopefully Dr. Sharma is able to place a stent in my esophagus to make food swallowing easier for me. I can’t wait to sit down and eat a meal without problems.

According to the counter, there have been over 200 reads on this blog.

God’s people are awesome!

Yesterday, we drove to the Cancer Center at Parkview. Two thoughts immediately enter my mind. I hate this place and I thank God this place exists for people like me. I am getting a CT scan to help determine the extent of the spread of cancer. Everyone here is nice.

I am humbled and encouraged at the outpouring of love and support less than 12 hours after my first posting. I need to write. There are so many emotions bottled up inside. They need to be expressed.

A co-worker emailed me this verse. What a blessing.

Praise to the God of All Comfort

3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.
                                                                                     2 Cor. 1:3-5 New International Version

Many people have committed to pray for me, not just say a prayer in passing, as I know I have  done at times, but really pray at a set time each day. Thank you brothers and sisters in Christ. I am so unworthy.

Worst day of my life, so far.

As I was trying to wake up from the anesthesia, the nurse told me to get dressed and that I would be wheeled back to a different part of the hospital to meet with Dr. Sharma and my wife. I knew then that I would not be getting good news. Joan should have been with me in the Recovery Room, but she wasn't. So it was not a huge surprise to hear the “C” word – cancer. Cancer, that’s for other people. I’ve been healthy most of my life. I’m not a very good “sick person”. For years I worked hard on this body. Maybe it was to prepare it for the coming difficulties – surgery, radiation and chemo. Joan said I’ll have a ministry when this over. I don't want that kind of ministry. But, I trust my Heavenly Father in all things. Over the years I’ve learned that there are times when we get to talk about our faith and there are times we get to live it. It’s time to put on my big boy pants and live it. I don't want to be a cancer survivor. Well, of course I want to beat this thing, but I don't like the sound of the term “cancer survivor”. Don't get me wrong it is better than the alternative, but I still don't like it. I think I better get used to things I don’t like being the norm. Joe Diffie’s song, Prop Me Up Beside the Jukebox (If I Die), has been running though my head today. Not the whole song, just the line that says, “Lord, I wanna go to heaven, but I don’t wanna go tonight”. Cancer sure changes one’s perspective. Yesterday I was deeply concerned about this upcoming election. I’m still concerned about our country's future, but not nearly as much. All of a sudden my priorities have changed. Amazing. We had big plans for the next six months – close on the house, travel to Baltimore to visit family and then spend the winter in Florida in our motorhome. Why are we dealing with this now? We could have kept the house, if we had known. What’s God’s plan now? Will we understand it sometime later? Will any of this ever make sense? We met with friends tonight for our monthly get together for dinner. We started this gathering when one of the eight was going through chemo. Now maybe it’s my turn to be supported by the group. It was good to be surrounded by friends – Godly friends. I’m pretty sure this is how the Body of Christ is supposed to function. What a thing of beauty to be a part of.